6 Things I Did
Comments:  2

freak

I Ate Cereal

I have a new lover – his name is cereal. The only problem with this relationship is that it’s somewhat unconventional. At times it’s a threesome or even a foursome. That’s right – I mix my cereals. Don’t you dare judge me. When its 7:30am and I barely have my eyes open, sometimes Honey Bunches of Oates alone will not suffice! I need a dash of Rice Crispies and a cup of Shreddies added to the mix. Hell! Sometimes I use half skim milk and half soy milk. I am that fucking crazy! The next step in my madness is strawberries. Oh yes… I am going to add mother fucking strawberries.

Like a James Bond baddie – I cannot be stopped!  Except instead of world domination I strictly deal with breakfast . Its a niche market.

I Planned a Trip to London

The snow has melted! The sun is out! Now seems like the perfect time to shove myself on a plane and fly to a far away land. This time around I will be kissing the ground of London. Why am I going back to London again when I was just there in September? Well for a few reasons:

1. Chips and Curry Sauce – The last time I had this gourmet feast was probably around the year 2000. And lets face it – something so good should only be eaten once a decade.

2. Millennium Bridge – Ever since I walked across the Brooklyn Bridge (around 3 years ago) I have to admit to having a bit of a hard-on for bridges. The Millennium Bridge is a pedestrian-only bridge that stretches across the River Thames. When this bridge first opened, pedestrians reported that the bridge swayed and went all “wobbly” when they walked across it. Hence, it was the closed the same day it opened. I have no idea why – but this story totally delights the hell out of me. Poor retarded bridge 🙂

3. A boy – He charms the pants off me. Literally.

I Baked a Cookie Cake Pie

cakeI am slowly discovering that my sweet tooth (just like my ass) is only getting larger with age. Gum, chocolate bars and cookies are starting to induce the types of moaning in me that used to be only created by James Spader movies and reasonably prices shoes. Well a few weeks ago I discovered the website http://www.cakespy.com. This delectable online collection of baking experiments led me to the holy land of sin.

I give you: The Cookie Cake Pie!

I baked this exercise in excess for my nieces birthday. Upon reflection, I think I was more excited about the cake than my niece was. She seemed initially excited but like any 13 year old girl – her excitement was interrupted by text messaging. That’s the trouble with kids these days! They choose cell phones over dessert. I pray for our future.

My Love for Shatner Deepened

Recently I discovered something so great…..SO AMAZING…..that I thought that I had died and gone to a really awesome heaven. Not a “floating around on fluffy clouds” type of heaven – more of a “you can eat as much ice cream as you want and never gain weight” type of heaven. In short – I discovered that William Shatner hosts his own talk show. Shatner’s Raw Nerve is a 30 minute show in which William Shatner interviews celebrities. These celebrities range from Jenna Jameson, Scott Baio and Henry Winker. That’s right – Captain Kirk interviews the fucking Fonze! I always knew Shatner was a modern day god – I just didn’t know he was a celebrity therapist as well. In almost every interview, Shatner manages to make the interviewee cry and talk about how their daddy didn’t hug them enough. When he isn’t peeling back the layers of celebrity neurosis he is flirting with them. I am pretty sure he made love to Jenna Jameson with his words alone.

I Caught the Bus

busFor the first time in around 7 years I caught the bus. To most this would seem like a random and uneventful task. But I gotta tell ya….it got me really REALLY excited. I guess paying $2.25 on a highly inefficient form of transportation is a new fetish of mine. I even got excited when I realized a completely insane person was sitting in front of me. It would have been more fun if he smelled of pee. But now I have something to look forward to!

I Learned That Cutting Back on Cigarettes Makes You Constipated

That title sort of says it all.

Comments

2 Responses to “6 Things I Did”
  1. Nicole Hall says:

    Good God woman, this stuff is gold! You are a delight.

  2. phil says:

    if 140 characters was crafted into a liquid form that was drinkable it would be called ‘d.a.n.a’ – who’s unnatural ability is to craft random segments of life into one digestible sweet and sour headfuck.

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