How the fuck did it end up being September!
For almost a year I have been anticipating my trip to Europe and now I sit in Halifax Airport – waiting to catch my connecting flight back home. Europe happened in a nano-second and although I do feel tired from my recent travels, excessive carb intake and mass champagne consumption – I sit here stunned that I was actually in Europe. I actually walked cobble stoned streets and I ate German made pastries and I took pictures in Trafalgar Square. Little ol’ me!
In the next few weeks I hope to write a hand full of blog posts to share my European adventures. So please bear with me….I do need to catch up on some sleep and god knows the mountain of laundry ahead of me is intimidating – but no worries…..the stories will be told….just a little belated.
So to start you off – a little blog post about Hamburg, Germany!
(Note: I wrote this in an airport, on my way to London)
I have no concept of time. Actually, time and I have been in a massive wrestling match for the past few days and to be honest…..time is kicking my ass. On Saturday Sept 12 at approximately 5pm I stepped on a plane to begin my European vacation. Starting in St. John’s, Newfoundland – I traveled to Toronto, then to Frankfurt and then finally Hamburg, Germany – which is where I am this exact second. To paint a truly explicit picture – I am sipping on Fanta in the Hamburg Airport.
I have never traveled for such a long period of time before. Usually my vacations are to the U.S. and they take around 4 hours of travel at the most. It took three planes and 15 hours of some serious ass sitting to be where I am right now 🙂
The lesson I have learned from this experience is that jet lag kicks my ass and then punches me in the boobs and it finishes me off by burping in my face. The only thing that got me through the ordeal was the movie “The Hangover“. The wine + the gravol + the inability to sleep made “The Hangover” the greatest movie experience of my life! I giggled like a baboon. Then I passed out drooling.
But .. I am losing my point…..
I AM INÂ EUROPE!
Hamburg simply put ….is lovely. Hamburg has everything you sort of want in a European city – tiny bakeries, exquisite old architecture and a naughty red light district. Sigh…I miss it already.
So before I get too sappy and far too babbly – I thought I would tell you the “Top Five Things That I Have Learned in Hamburg Germany”
1. Wolves are cool
Who knew wolves were considered high fashion! But its true!Â I think 50% of all clothing stores in Hamburg had at least one piece of “wolf themed” clothing. Why? Who knows! But those crazy Germans have declared wolves to be “IN”. I am only assuming the zebra is “OUT”. Next year I am sensing it will be all about aardvarks, but you can never tell with the fashionable unpredictability of Europe.
Please note: I was yelled at by a highly disgruntled H&M worker for taking this picture. I can only assume H&M has an extremely strict “No Photos” policy because this guy yelled at me like he wanted to murder me. He also had really bad hair – so that too might have added to his bad mood. (Oh no you didn’t!)
2. Rubber is Cool
During my second day in Hamburg, I made it a point to visit the red light district. I am always amused by areas segregated for sex. Initially I thought it was going to be a standard series of sex stores with the same vibrators, hand cuffs and french maid outfits. But boy oh boy was I wrong! I managed to stumble into a store that had the largest selection of S&M rubber fashion I have ever seen. I don’t think you really can truly appreciate rubber until you see it molded into a cat face mask with zippers for the eyes and mouth.
The entire experience made me realize that I think its time for speedos to be made out of rubber. From what I can tell, not only is rubber water proof – its keeps your balls in place! Now I know some of you are thinking – “WankerGirl, is rubber really that sensible? Will people think I am a sex obsessed pervert if I wear it?” The answer is YES. But I am a “top” and your misery is my pleasure 🙂
3. I Love Canals
One day I want to grow up and live in a castle overlooking a canal. I know the chances are slim that this will happen….but a girl can dream right? P.S. I also want a roller skating monkey.
4. I Am Weird
I know that this may come as a shock to some of you – but at times I can be viewed as slightly odd. But even with my foul mouth and multi-colored hair, I have never really felt weird or out of place before. Hamburg changed all of that. In Hamburg I felt that I looked really REALLY weird. I noticed that everyone around me was very preppy and pretty and smelled like perfume. I stood out like the town freak. I was the equivalent of the Bearded Lady! I think to everyone around me I looked like a sex crazed dominatrix with an odd accent. Now I guess that was just highly perceptive of them…..but that’s not the point. I have never felt like the odd man out before. It sort of pleased me. But I’m a “bottom” and I love to torture myself 🙂
5. Eating Pussy is Cool
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