I started writing this blog post smack-dab in the middle of some serious PMS. Which I guess explains the over indulgent self analysis. So I guess I could scrap it…but what the fuck! Lets indulge for just a little bit.
When you find yourself at the age of 33 (which I am) you start trying to make sense of things. You start wondering how the hell you got to where you are in your life. You have 33 years of solid history behind you and your mind can wander back a bit. Reminisce I suppose.
Lately I have been feeling a little old. I guess there are a number of reasons for this – living on my own for the first time, hanging out with younger people and seeing friends settling down with their houses and kids.
When I look at these friends settling down, I notice this massive difference between me and them. Everything they have – I don’t. I quite literally own nothing. The idea of owning a house and a car actually sort of stresses me out. I’m not sure if I ended up this way becasue I hate responsibility or if I just prefer to spend my money in other foolish ways. But no matter what – I am becoming very aware that for a 33 year old, I am simply not doing the things I should be doing. More importantly, no matter how much I try to force myself – I can’t seem to grow up.
Now because of this, there are times I can be quite hard on myself. I wonder why I lead the life I lead. I wonder why I can’t just settle myself down and do what’s expected of me.
I constantly find myself in “adult” conversations about real estate, renovtions and, RRSP’s. I can engage for a while but after around 5 minutes I start twirling my hair and day dreaming. What about? Who the fuck knows. More than likely I am thinking about the boy I flirted with on Facebook or pretzels.
But after reading this blog post just the other day I realised something. This pressue I put on myself to “settle down” is DUMB! I seem to always forget where I was a few years ago and how far I have come along.
Trust me people – if you met me 5 years ago you simply wouldnt think I was the same person. I used to own the house and car. I was settled down into a steady relationship. I was living my life in a manner that was “right”. Or whatever the fuck “right” means. Now dont get me wrong – I was a happy girl. Life had some really lovely moments. But was I having any fun? Was I doing the things I wanted to be doing? I don’t think I was.
When my 10 year relationship ended I was pretty convinced that I was going to shrivel up and die. Or just collect a lot of cats. I think I had it in my mind that somehow my relationship was all of me and without it – I sort of stopped existing. Boy was I ever wrong.
So how did I get from there to here. Well to be honest. I did some horribly ridiculous things. Things I should never ever offer up as advice. Simply put – I spent money I didnt have, I threw myself into situations that broke my heart, I drank more, I smoked more, I gave up all financial responsibilities and I traveled on a moments notice. I worried about the consequences later.
Yes thats right. To become happy I sort of became a fuck up 🙂
So where did it all get me? Well here…not the richest girl but still successful. God knows I am not the smartest. And it is true that I tend to make some utterly stupid decisions when it comes to men.
But you know what? Life is really good here in Wankerville and I really have come a long way. I’m not as shy as I used to be. I am not scared about messing up and I laugh so fucking much. It’s true – I do stumble around just a little bit and I have absoloutly no idea what the future holds. Hell, maybe one of these days I will want all the things a “normal” 33 year old girl should want.
But for now I just cant do it. I just can’t quite grow up. But that’s alright..I’m only 33. I’m just a baby.
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