My umbrella tuned inside out on me the other day. It turned inside out when I was walking to work, in the pouring rain, while walking on a really windy road. Cars were passing and children were sticking their heads out of windows – screaming “YOU ARE A WET FUCKER!” They then proceeded to throw spaghetti noodles at me.
Ok that last part isn’t true. Actually the vast majority of that proceeding paragraph could be described as “a complete and utter lie”. But I swear – I did get stuck in the rain and my umbrella did turn inside out. And by the time I finally got to work – I looked like I had pissed my pants. Good times.
So, why does this even matter? Well – I guess getting caught in the rain is a bit of a metaphor right now. In the past week, the life of WankerGirl has taken a few hits.
First off, I found out I have to move. My perfect little apartment will no longer be mine. I have been in this place for over 3 years and it is without a doubt – my home. But no longer. Its gonna be someone elses home now. BOooooooOOOooooo! This is the place I moved to after the big break-up of 2006. A really REALLY big deal at the time.
So it looks like I have to look for a new place. In the past few years – looking for an apartment in St. John’s has turned into an task similar to plastic surgery. Painful, expensive and you never end up with what you want. But alas, I must persevere and find my new home.
In addition to that – I am having to deal with an unpredictable volcano. I just recently planned a trip to London. Of course, this is ridiculously exciting, but there seems to be a volcano PMSing over in Iceland. If this volcano happens to have a “heavy flow” day when I am traveling – it could fuck up my plans.
All I want is to go to England, eat a crumpet and get laid. THAT’s ALL. But noooooooooooooooo. Sigh.
So as these things start to build up – I find myself pouting, lacking energy and eating a lot of tacos. Sweet, precious tacos.
But I mustn’t accept defeat! I know I should try to look at these set-backs as possibilities for new adventures! I am also trying to take more notice of all the small awesome things that make me happy. In turn – I am hoping they put some extra pep in my step.
In the past week I noticed 5 things that made me feel warm and fuzzy. Things that made me feel like my life isn’t spiraling into an out of control abyss that is overseen by overweight aliens from a planet named Urbuttolopolis.
What are those 5 happy things? Well I am so glad you asked.
MAPLE SMOKED BACON
Not only is this the greatest bacon ever – maple bacon can also serve as an air fresher. Oh yes! Its true! Several days after cooking this bacon, my house smelled like a sweet bacon heaven. It made me want to lick the air!
I FINISHED READING A BOOK
The book wasn’t really any good. But god dammit I still finished it!
PUTTING ROLLERS IN MY HAIR
This attempt at curly hair failed. But for a moment it was all worth it for the ridiculousness of this picture.
MY BRAND NEW ROLLER SKATE WHEELS
My brand new career as a roller derby girl has its up and downs. Most of these downs happen when I am falling hard on my ass or I’m being body checked into a wall. But just the other day – I got new wheels for my roller skates and they make me feel like a superstar! Moreover – they make me feel like a superstar that isn’t erratically rolling out of control – whose only means of stopping is banging into a wall or her face.
Update: Last night during roller derby I fell and landed on my skate. To be exact – one of my wheels went up my bum hole. While you take a moment to let that image sink in, I am going to go get more pain killers. Owwww.
SHUFFLE ON MY IPOD
On the bus one day I inadvertently put shuffle on my ipod. This is the happy magic that ensued. Cue dance party!
I Ate Cereal
I have a new lover – his name is cereal. The only problem with this relationship is that it’s somewhat unconventional. At times it’s a threesome or even a foursome. That’s right – I mix my cereals. Don’t you dare judge me. When its 7:30am and I barely have my eyes open, sometimes Honey Bunches of Oates alone will not suffice! I need a dash of Rice Crispies and a cup of Shreddies added to the mix. Hell! Sometimes I use half skim milk and half soy milk. I am that fucking crazy! The next step in my madness is strawberries. Oh yes… I am going to add mother fucking strawberries.
Like a James Bond baddie – I cannot be stopped! Except instead of world domination I strictly deal with breakfast . Its a niche market.
I Planned a Trip to London
The snow has melted! The sun is out! Now seems like the perfect time to shove myself on a plane and fly to a far away land. This time around I will be kissing the ground of London. Why am I going back to London again when I was just there in September? Well for a few reasons:
1. Chips and Curry Sauce – The last time I had this gourmet feast was probably around the year 2000. And lets face it – something so good should only be eaten once a decade.
2. Millennium Bridge – Ever since I walked across the Brooklyn Bridge (around 3 years ago) I have to admit to having a bit of a hard-on for bridges. The Millennium Bridge is a pedestrian-only bridge that stretches across the River Thames. When this bridge first opened, pedestrians reported that the bridge swayed and went all “wobbly” when they walked across it. Hence, it was the closed the same day it opened. I have no idea why – but this story totally delights the hell out of me. Poor retarded bridge 🙂
3. A boy – He charms the pants off me. Literally.
I Baked a Cookie Cake Pie
I am slowly discovering that my sweet tooth (just like my ass) is only getting larger with age. Gum, chocolate bars and cookies are starting to induce the types of moaning in me that used to be only created by James Spader movies and reasonably prices shoes. Well a few weeks ago I discovered the website http://www.cakespy.com. This delectable online collection of baking experiments led me to the holy land of sin.
I give you: The Cookie Cake Pie!
I baked this exercise in excess for my nieces birthday. Upon reflection, I think I was more excited about the cake than my niece was. She seemed initially excited but like any 13 year old girl – her excitement was interrupted by text messaging. That’s the trouble with kids these days! They choose cell phones over dessert. I pray for our future.
My Love for Shatner Deepened
Recently I discovered something so great…..SO AMAZING…..that I thought that I had died and gone to a really awesome heaven. Not a “floating around on fluffy clouds” type of heaven – more of a “you can eat as much ice cream as you want and never gain weight” type of heaven. In short – I discovered that William Shatner hosts his own talk show. Shatner’s Raw Nerve is a 30 minute show in which William Shatner interviews celebrities. These celebrities range from Jenna Jameson, Scott Baio and Henry Winker. That’s right – Captain Kirk interviews the fucking Fonze! I always knew Shatner was a modern day god – I just didn’t know he was a celebrity therapist as well. In almost every interview, Shatner manages to make the interviewee cry and talk about how their daddy didn’t hug them enough. When he isn’t peeling back the layers of celebrity neurosis he is flirting with them. I am pretty sure he made love to Jenna Jameson with his words alone.
I Caught the Bus
For the first time in around 7 years I caught the bus. To most this would seem like a random and uneventful task. But I gotta tell ya….it got me really REALLY excited. I guess paying $2.25 on a highly inefficient form of transportation is a new fetish of mine. I even got excited when I realized a completely insane person was sitting in front of me. It would have been more fun if he smelled of pee. But now I have something to look forward to!
I Learned That Cutting Back on Cigarettes Makes You Constipated
That title sort of says it all.
I LIKE THE INTERNET! I also really like Skor bars but for once lets not get distracted by my sweet tooth. This is a internet-centric blog entry. For the past few months I have found myself taking note of any articles/blog posts that have really captured my attention. And just like a highly contagious case of herpes – I am gonna pass these links on to you. Cause I love you that fucking much.
Men Don’t Fancy Funny Women
This article paints a pretty grim picture for any woman out there who can tell a solid “knock-knock” joke. It seems that generally speaking, men don’t find women with a sense of humor attractive. As well, most men “see being funny as a male thing,”. Oh dear oh dear…
In short, this article depressed the fuck out of me. I have often considered myself to be a little funny. Well actually…really funny. Just last night I told a guy a funny story about how I accidentally got poop behind my finger nail and I thought it was chocolate. It was funny cause it was true!
I guess I always thought that my funny side actually made me MORE attractive. I thought guys would want to get to know me better because of it. How crazy is that! Sometimes my sugar-fueled brain really is off the mark. Its the complete opposite. But at least it explains my lack of boyfriends in high-school. And collage. And in my 30’s. Sigh.
So teenage girls of the world! Listen to me now! If you want a boyfriend! Stop being funny. Actually stop talking all together. Remember, open your mouth only for blow jobs…and never for jokes!
Hot Geek Sex
Finally my attraction to geeks is starting to pay off. A recent study done by PS3PriceCompare.co.uk showed that computer geeks were indeed the best lovers. “They were found to be the most selfless in the sack, the most adventurous and more likely to use love gadgets”
Did you hear that! They like to use “love gadgets”! Now I pretty sure all of you know that the key to many a woman’s heart – is actually a vibrator with rechargeable batteries.
But lets face it – this shouldn’t be too much of a surprise. Geeks like gadgets – be it an iphone or a pocket rocket. If only the technologies were combined!
The Science Of Love
And of course – no blog post could be complete without at least one link to a Ted Talks 🙂
Helen Fisher studies love. In particular – she studies what happens to your brain when you fall in and out of love.
Fisher put 32 men and women into a brain scanner : 17 who were happily in love and 15 who were just dumped. Through these studies she discovered the various components to love, which are lust, attraction and attachment. All of these things can cause the body to freak out. The most cliched of reactions actually do happen when you are in love – you get a pounding heart, there is shortness of breath and of course the romantic boner in your pants. (ZING!)
Some might think the scientific analysis of love would somehow take all the mystery out of it. Or somehow make it a little less special. But in actual fact – its the very opposite. Fisher discusses how the feeling of “being in love” is without a doubt the most important and powerful emotion us silly little humans can muster up. New love makes us feel like absolute champions and the loss of love can utterly disable us. No other emotion has that power.
So I could babble on forever and try to explain every aspect of Fishers findings but I really wouldn’t do it justice. So go get a cup of tea, sit back and have a listen.
Bea Arthur Mountains Pizza
Without a doubt – the greatest thing I have ever seen.