Would

Not so long ago, a male friend of mine told me what happens to a man when he meets a new female. Most simply put, his brain uncontrollably decides if he would or wouldn’t have sex with her. This decision happens instantly and basically all men are helpless to it.  I like to call this moment the “would” or “wouldn’t” moment.

So lets just think about this for a second. Remember that lovely family dinner, where you brought your new boyfriend home to meet your mom and dad. In between the awkward chat about weather and the price of gas – your boyfriend was “would or wouldnting” you mom and your sister.

Now, I don’t think we should get mad at boys. These thoughts just happen! Kabaam! Its almost cute. And if we are to be honest – girls sort of do the same thing as well.

So all this got me thinking. For all the years I have had this blog – I have never really taken the time to objectify men into hot little sex objects. And that is just WRONG. I am WankerGirl for Christ sake! I should have a long “would” list. Ok…maybe not a long one but at least an alphabetical one!

WankerGirls Would List

firthColin Firth – Although my Firth obsession has died down to a saute in the past few years – I really could not allow Mr. Darcy to be absent from this list. A few years ago my Firth obsession got so large that I actually saw the movie “What a Girl Wants” FIVE times in the theater. Sitting through an Amanda Bynes movie FIVE times is a sign of true, misguided and slightly masochistic love. I should also admit that for a few months I carried a picture of Colin’s Firth’s face in my purse. When drunk enough – I would wear his face like a mask and talk to people with a distinguished British accent.
Side note: My British accent is special (Like  Dick Van Dyke’s in Mary Poppins) and accurate (Like Kevin Costner’s in Robin Hood). But back to my main point;

Colin Fith – WOULD

James Spader – James Spader is one of those men who makes me warm in the pants. I guess I should blame the movie Secretary for this crush of mine (Spank! Spank!). But really -  this hot juicy crush goes a lot deeper than one spankerific movie.

SpaderLets take a moment to look at his hair in the movie Pretty in Pink. Do you see that! Do you see how it defies the laws of physics!? Do you see how it curls in a “fuck you” manner. Hair like that never calls you back, never buys your flowers and never takes you for a long walk on the beach. But god dammit that hair would curl your toes back, take you to the heights of estacy and probably even convince you to join the Church of Scientology. That’s power.

Wow…that was a really long – overly sexual rant about hair.

I guess what we have learned from this is – the perfect man for me is…..

perfectman

Other “WOULD” list mentions:

Conan O’Brien and John Stewart – Threesome!
Bill Clinton
Zombie Frank Sinatra
Your Mom (zing!)