Hissy Fits and Farts

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A few days ago I was in a crap mood. I had my head on my desk,  I was pouting like a wet dog and I think there were moments of whimpering.  It’s never a pretty sight when I get in a bad mood but I guess for those around me it might be mildly entertaining. It didn’t take long for my whimpering to turn into a hissy fit. I believe at one point I actually slammed my foot down on the floor and complained about my life being SOOOOOOO DIFFICULT!

To hear an actual WankerGirl “hissy fit” – listen to something I recorded a few years back. I like to call this “The Lawn Mowing Melt Down

Well, as the day progressed I randomly found myself on a website that made everything a little better. 1000 Awesome Things is a blog that lists the simple and almost forgotten awesome things that happen all the time . I’ll give you a few examples:

As I read a few entries, I started to day dream about all those awesome things and I actually started to feel better. I then remembered that a few years ago I myself had written a listing of awesome things. This of course led me on a wild goose chase through my files to find that list. (Side-note: I found a poem that I wrote about farts as well).

So I FINALLY find this list but it really wasn’t what I was expecting. It seems that my “List of Awesome Things” was actually a list called “Mundane Things that Make You Want to Die!”

Somehow over the years my brain distorted the memory of this list completely! It makes me wonder what other memories I have managed to completely change. Maybe I am far more negative then I realize. Maybe I am goth. Dear god…what if I am goth and I don’t even realize it. Fuck…

Anyway, on Thu, Aug 10, 2006 at approximately 12:19 PM I sat myself down and I wrote this list. This utterly pointless list….ENJOY!

Mundane Things that Make You Want to Die!

  • head colds that make your head feel massive and fill your nose with snot
  • stepping on a plug
  • getting stung by a bee
  • biting your mouth in the same place over and over again
  • a paper cut
  • stubbing your toe
  • dropping the bottle of salsa just as you place in in the fridge
  • when the diet pepsi bottle explodes just as you open it
  • when oil in a frying pan pops and burns your arm
  • when you sleep weird and wake up with a strained muscle in your neck
  • spilling your coffee in the morning
  • when it takes forever to get a menu in a restaurant
  • when you taste an asprin
  • buring your toast
  • hang nails
  • the moment you realise the amount of dust that lives behind your computer monitor
  • when you lose one sock
  • when one side of your headphones stops working
  • when your bookmark falls out of your book and you lose your place
  • when the plastic tab on your coffee cup flips back and won’t click in

valentine

Valentine’s Day and me generally don’t get along. Don’t get me wrong – I am a sucker for chocolates, cheesy greeting cards and candle light dinners. Actually, I pretty much adore any stereotypical romantic gesture. But for some strange reason I have had the worst luck on Valentine’s Day.

One of my past boyfriends hated the “commercialization of love” and didn’t want to give me gifts just because the greeting card industry pressured him into it. One year I was actually stood up on Valentines Day and just last year I was digging a hole to bury myself in – because I was dumped at the end of January.

Yup! Valentine’s Day always found a way to throw a pie in my face. So for a while I think I gave up on the day completely. I guess I just assumed the worst was going to happen and I had to find a way to ignore the day completely or somehow hide – because if I didn’t, some comedic disappointment was bound to occur. Every February 14th, I was convinced the equivalent of me tripping up in dog poop was going to happen to my heart.

So in an attempt to avoid the possible disaster around every corner I made it tradition to spend my Valentines Day hanging out with friends – eating curry. Which is exactly what I am going to do today.

But…this years Valentine’s Day is a little different.

Why you ask?

Well…..

I GOT FLOWERS!!!!

FlowerGasm!

Me! The girl who has never gotten flowers….got flowers! I lost my flower virginity! My flower cherry is popped! I got fucked hard – flower style! (What does that even mean?!)

So…what do I think of Valentines Day now?

I fucking love it!

(P.S. Hugs and kisses Lloyd)

red

My gorgeous (and brand new blogger) friend Alicia recently tagged me “it” in a friendly blogging photo game. The rules? Post photos of 7 red things found in your house – then tag others to do so. So without any delay here is some red from the land of Wanker….

xmas

This poinsettia refuses to die. I stopped watering it around New Year’s.
I am concerned it’s already dead – turned into a zombie and at
any second will devour my brains. Its the only logical explanation.

dress

I like dresses!

tape

Dear mom, you are so awesome for giving me a tape dispenser
in the shape of a high-heeled shoe.

vacumn

This vacuum is #1 of the 3 vacuums I own.I bought it many years
ago and it has a very temperamental personality. Sometimes it works
splendidly and other times it tells me to fuck off.

hair

Is a sea of cheap jewelery and hair clips,
I have to admit I love my red ones the best.

underwear

Naughty knickers!

nails

My new nails make no sense.

Ok Miss Something….you’re it!