I started writing this blog post smack-dab in the middle of some serious PMS. Which I guess explains the over indulgent self analysis. So I guess I could scrap it…but what the fuck! Lets indulge for just a little bit.
When you find yourself at the age of 33 (which I am) you start trying to make sense of things. You start wondering how the hell you got to where you are in your life. You have 33 years of solid history behind you and your mind can wander back a bit. Reminisce I suppose.
Lately I have been feeling a little old. I guess there are a number of reasons for this – living on my own for the first time, hanging out with younger people and seeing friends settling down with their houses and kids.
When I look at these friends settling down, I notice this massive difference between me and them. Everything they have – I don’t. I quite literally own nothing. The idea of owning a house and a car actually sort of stresses me out. I’m not sure if I ended up this way becasue I hate responsibility or if I just prefer to spend my money in other foolish ways. But no matter what – I am becoming very aware that for a 33 year old, I am simply not doing the things I should be doing. More importantly, no matter how much I try to force myself – I can’t seem to grow up.
Now because of this, there are times I can be quite hard on myself. I wonder why I lead the life I lead. I wonder why I can’t just settle myself down and do what’s expected of me.
I constantly find myself in “adult” conversations about real estate, renovtions and, RRSP’s. I can engage for a while but after around 5 minutes I start twirling my hair and day dreaming. What about? Who the fuck knows. More than likely I am thinking about the boy I flirted with on Facebook or pretzels.
But after reading this blog post just the other day I realised something. This pressue I put on myself to “settle down” is DUMB! I seem to always forget where I was a few years ago and how far I have come along.
Trust me people – if you met me 5 years ago you simply wouldnt think I was the same person. I used to own the house and car. I was settled down into a steady relationship. I was living my life in a manner that was “right”. Or whatever the fuck “right” means. Now dont get me wrong – I was a happy girl. Life had some really lovely moments. But was I having any fun? Was I doing the things I wanted to be doing? I don’t think I was.
When my 10 year relationship ended I was pretty convinced that I was going to shrivel up and die. Or just collect a lot of cats. I think I had it in my mind that somehow my relationship was all of me and without it – I sort of stopped existing. Boy was I ever wrong.
So how did I get from there to here. Well to be honest. I did some horribly ridiculous things. Things I should never ever offer up as advice. Simply put – I spent money I didnt have, I threw myself into situations that broke my heart, I drank more, I smoked more, I gave up all financial responsibilities and I traveled on a moments notice. I worried about the consequences later.
Yes thats right. To become happy I sort of became a fuck up 🙂
So where did it all get me? Well here…not the richest girl but still successful. God knows I am not the smartest. And it is true that I tend to make some utterly stupid decisions when it comes to men.
But you know what? Life is really good here in Wankerville and I really have come a long way. I’m not as shy as I used to be. I am not scared about messing up and I laugh so fucking much. It’s true – I do stumble around just a little bit and I have absoloutly no idea what the future holds. Hell, maybe one of these days I will want all the things a “normal” 33 year old girl should want.
But for now I just cant do it. I just can’t quite grow up. But that’s alright..I’m only 33. I’m just a baby.
What I Did
I Bought A PC
Over the summer of 2010 I dealt with the harsh realities of technology. More specifically – dead technology. Within a 30 day span I saw the death of my precious MacBook Pro AND my first ever MacBook. So in an act of desperation, I called up a good freind for moral support and I did something horrific. SHOCKING. I bought a PC. Those are words I thought I would never ever say. I’m officially a PC. A cheap PC that runs on Windows 7. I have never felt more like a whore.
I Saw Someone Else Be Me
Halloween parties are fun. People dress up, drink and eat too much candy. This year I innocently showed up to a party (as BatGirl!) and was amazed at what I saw. My awesome friend Erica actually dressed up as me! ME! She had the hair, shoes, dress and cleavage. She had everything. It took me a few seconds to realize what was happening – but I think the picture below sort of captures it all. My friends are awesome.
I Collected Tea Cups
I have this blurry memory of being 5 years old, sitting in my living room, collecting stamps. It feels so real and yet I know that I have never collected stamps. And for the longest time I never collected anything. But just recently I have discovered that I think I do collect something. I collect tea cups. Now its not a large collection. I have 3. Some might say that’s not a collection at all. But those people smell like donkey balls. And don’t get me started on their Daddy issues.
Hmmm…I am losing the point here.
The point is….I have three tea cups. They make me feel all lady like. So come over for tea! But bring cookies. And croissants. And tiny sandwiches with the crust cut off. A pork roast wouldn’t go astray either.
What I Want
To Write A Book
People have always told me that I should write a book. Of course this idea seems great but with perspective it also seems to be something that is completely and utterly unattainable. I guess what keeps me from diving into the task is that for me – writing is highly frustrating. The words don’t come easy and my spelling is somewhat shocking. Car wreck shocking. And then of course there is this fact that I really have no idea what I should write about. Well that’s a bit of a lie. I guess I should write about me. I am an expert on the topic. But doesn’t that just seem egotistical? Sigh. No wonder writers are tortured!
But yes. I want to write a book. It doesn’t have to be good. It just has to be over 150 pages long and contain the words “spatula” and “mangina”. Here I come Pulitzer!
I think its time to brand myself with my alter ego
The winter is coming and I don’t have a car . This means I will be spending many mornings and nights at a wet and cold bus stop. My life is glamorous. Anyway – after many years of wet feet I have decided to indulge. Indulge in rubber! (Kinky!) I want rubber boots. Expensive rubber boots. These boots will keep my feet warm and dry. They will go pleasantly with my chic winter fashions. But more importantly my rubber boots will caress me every morning and whisper “I Love You” just as I wake up. Yes rubber boot…I will marry you!
Summer 2010 was an interesting one. Every single weekend was filled with something ridiculous and embarrassing. I drank on nights I shouldn’t have, I wore clothes that my mother would hate and I ate a lot of toast for breakfast (random!). I had boys ask me out, completely turn me down, never return my phone calls and text me for one night stands. I wore fishnets every second day, I learned how to transition from forwards to backwards on my roller skates and I rarely managed to sleep through an entire night without having a 3am pee. I swore a lot, wept over the loss of 2 computers, puked in a garden, laughed too much, stressed unnecessarily, ate my weight in hash browns, wore a lot of red lipstick, gave up caffeine, picked up caffeine again, dreamed of relaxing on sandy beaches and ended the summer in a hurricane.
I also ….
Got back on the burlesque stage and shimmied my glitter tits
Got lots of bruises
Spent my weekends in the park
Won an inflatable pink alien!
Played in a REAL derby match
And attempted to bring the rain bonnet back in fashion
So lets raise our Double Caesars in the air and say goodbye to the summer with one solid gulp!
Being stood up sort of happens in slow motion. At first you think you showed up too early. Then you think the other person is just a little late. But then…eventually… it finally hits you – that fucking douche bag is not showing up.
Yes, it is true. I was stood up.
For approximately 45 minutes I sat in a bar – drank a pint of Guinness and waited for a guy who had no intention of ever showing up (even though he has asked me out only a few hours prior). He didn’t call, he didn’t text. That cocksucker just left me there. Strangely enough – I never for one second felt sad or pathetic. Why should I!? I had just gotten my hair done, I had a pretty dress on ( Note: A dress that showed the perfect amount of cleavage!) and that pint of Guinness I was drinking was like liquid heaven!
So upon realising that this guy was never showing up and that he had COMPLETELY wasted my time – I decided to be the adult. I decided to walk out of that bar with my dignity intact and have a lovely night anyway. I held my head high knowing that I was the mature adult in the situation.
Around 10 minutes after thinking this I realized maturity was boring. So I texted Mr. Douche Bag the following message:
“Who the fuck stands people up? OH! That’s right! Assholes do!”
By the end of that night I found myself in my favorite pub, surrounded by my favorite people. I was eating sour cream and bacon chips, chugging double Caesars and laughing my ass off.
I found out afterward that the guy who stood me up had fallen asleep. That’s why he never showed up. So I think we can safely assume – I had the better night.