Wanking Europe - Part 2

Bonjour! I am in the UK! Well I was in the UK. Now I am in Canada. But for the next few minutes, lets go back in time and take a trip to the mysterious land of London! (Cue The Clash for background music!)

Airlines and the Art of Bad Breath
On Sept 17, at approximately 6:30 p.m. I landed at Heathrow Airport – Terminal 5. My travels from Hamburg to London were uneventful but still memorable. For some strange reason I felt stupidly giddy about flying British Airways. I imagined British Airways being posh and upper class. I was wrong – when flying “economy class” all planes look the same. Although I should point out one minor difference – everybody on the flight speaks with a British accent! Shocking indeed! I have always been a sucker for a British accent. Everything they say sounds important, highly intelligent and it sort of makes me swoon. In addition to the accents, I realized most of the people on the plane were men and they were all dressed in suits. I of course was not in a suit. No, I was wearing a Madonna t-shirt. I sat there feeling slightly out of place but pleasantly comforted by the sound of British men talking nonsense.

Near the end of the flight a man sitting next to me leaned over – held out some gum and a package of mints. I took a mint and thanked him. I then looked at him and said “Is this your subtle way of telling me that I have bad breath”. He smirked and said, “Yes! Actually, everybody on the plane was complaining about it”. I giggled and realized I was definitely in the UK because I was already being sarcastically insulted. Its my own personal belief that the more a British man teases you, the more he adores you. So obviously this man wanted me to have his babies.

millersMiller’s Residence Gives You Booze
Once off the plane, my sister and I found our way to Miller’s Residence. This eccentric B&B was plucked right out of someones fantastic imagination. The house was covered in antiques, jazz music played in the common room and most importantly – this B&B had a free bar. Included in this bar was Miller’s Gin. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, this B&B made its own gin!

Tuttle for Everyone
After an initial night of curry and cider (Note: while eating my curry I ate an entire chili pepper when I mistakenly thought it was a piece of asparagus) I woke up on Friday morning and started making my way towards Tuttle. Now I am sure most of you are thinking – what the fuck is Tuttle. Well – go here to find out what it really is. If you were to get me to explain it, I would incoherently say that Tuttle is this awesome social gathering of awesome people and awesome things are talked about. The charming Mr. Lloyd Davis took me under his wing when I arrived and for that I owe him a MILLION DOLLARS! I met up with some friends (I am looking at you Mike Sizemore and Steve Purkis), I had a pint and before I knew it – hours had past and I found my way down to SoHo.

SoHoSoHo Goes to Bed Early
In the past I have expressed my undying love for the website BitchBuzz and it was in London that I got to meet the lovely Cate Sevilla – the founding editor of BitchBuzz. I should admit that after meeting her I might have developed a mild crush on herร‚ย  – but its best that we keep that tiny fact away from her husband :).ร‚ย  When I think back to that night in SoHo I remember conversations about Dr. Who themed underwear and Victorian erotica – so obviously it was a brilliant night.

Although, it was on this Saturday night that I realized everything in London closed ridiculously early. I have grown so accustomed to my late nights here in St. John’s that it stunned me to see last call being shouted out at around 11:30 p.m. So without any other choice I said goodnight to all of the lovelies, found my way to a take-away and stuffed my face with a pasty. Dear God! That British piece of late night food was seriously orgasmic. No really…I came.

traThe Last Day
The next day I simply wandered. I found myself at Trafalgar Square and made childish jokes about “Nelson’s Column” in my head. I ate a cupcake at Covent Gardens and by the end of the night I was having some of that Miller’s Gin.

It had been around 10 years since I had been in Europe and as time ticked by I realized that this trip was almost over.

After every vacation I always feel a little bit more grown up. This vacation wasn’t about meeting someone, or chasing down a boy or going to a Podcamp. This vacation was simply about being in Europe and experiencing that world for wonderfully selfish reasons.

The year 2009 has been a bit of a fucker. On one hand I found the silly fantasticalness of Burlesque and on the other hand – I feel like my heart has been through a boxing match (Oh the drama!). Strangely enough – I wouldn’t change one nano-second of it. But to me, this trip to Europe was a bit of a line in the sand.

So what next? Who the fuck knows! I don’t even know what I want for breakfast tomorrow. But one thing is for certain – Europe has my heart. To everyone I met – I thank you for the laughs and the drinks.

And to Europe I send hugs, kisses and a little heavy petting ๐Ÿ™‚


Wanking Europe - Part 1

How the fuck did it end up being September!

For almost a year I have been anticipating my trip to Europe and now I sit in Halifax Airport – waiting to catch my connecting flight back home. Europe happened in a nano-second and although I do feel tired from my recent travels, excessive carb intake and mass champagne consumption – I sit here stunned that I was actually in Europe. I actually walked cobble stoned streets and I ate German made pastries and I took pictures in Trafalgar Square. Little ol’ me!

In the next few weeks I hope to write a hand full of blog posts to share my European adventures. So please bear with me….I do need to catch up on some sleep and god knows the mountain of laundry ahead of me is intimidating – but no worries…..the stories will be told….just a little belated.

So to start you off – a little blog post about Hamburg, Germany!
(Note: I wrote this in an airport, on my way to London)

I have no concept of time. Actually, time and I have been in a massive wrestling match for the past few days and to be honest…..time is kicking my ass. On Saturday Sept 12 at approximately 5pm I stepped on a plane to begin my European vacation. Starting in St. John’s, Newfoundland – I traveled to Toronto, then to Frankfurt and then finally Hamburg, Germany – which is where I am this exact second. To paint a truly explicit picture – I am sipping on Fanta in the Hamburg Airport.

Photo 225 copy

I have never traveled for such a long period of time before. Usually my vacations are to the U.S. and they take around 4 hours of travel at the most. It took three planes and 15 hours of some serious ass sitting to be where I am right now ๐Ÿ™‚

The lesson I have learned from this experience is that jet lag kicks my ass and then punches me in the boobs and it finishes me off by burping in my face. The only thing that got me through the ordeal was the movie “The Hangover“. The wine + the gravol + the inability to sleep made “The Hangover” the greatest movie experience of my life! I giggled like a baboon. Then I passed out drooling.

But .. I am losing my point…..


Hamburg simply put ….is lovely. Hamburg has everything you sort of want in a European city – tiny bakeries, exquisite old architecture and a naughty red light district. Sigh…I miss it already.

So before I get too sappy and far too babbly – I thought I would tell you the “Top Five Things That I Have Learned in Hamburg Germany”

1. Wolves are cool
Who knew wolves were considered high fashion! But its true!ร‚ย  I think 50% of all clothing stores in Hamburg had at least one piece of “wolf themed” clothing. Why? Who knows! But those crazy Germans have declared wolves to be “IN”. I am only assuming the zebra is “OUT”. Next year I am sensing it will be all about aardvarks, but you can never tell with the fashionable unpredictability of Europe.

Please note: I was yelled at by a highly disgruntled H&M worker for taking this picture. I can only assume H&M has an extremely strict “No Photos” policy because this guy yelled at me like he wanted to murder me. He also had really bad hair – so that too might have added to his bad mood. (Oh no you didn’t!)

2. Rubber is Cool
During my second day in Hamburg, I made it a point to visit the red light district. I am always amused by areas segregated for sex. Initially I thought it was going to be a standard series of sex stores with the same vibrators, hand cuffs and french maid outfits. But boy oh boy was I wrong! I managed to stumble into a store that had the largest selection of S&M rubber fashion I have ever seen. I don’t think you really can truly appreciate rubber until you see it molded into a cat face mask with zippers for the eyes and mouth.

The entire experience made me realize that I think its time for speedos to be made out of rubber. From what I can tell, not only is rubber water proof – its keeps your balls in place! Now I know some of you are thinking – “WankerGirl, is rubber really that sensible? Will people think I am a sex obsessed pervert if I wear it?” The answer is YES. But I am a “top” and your misery is my pleasure ๐Ÿ™‚


3. I Love Canals
One day I want to grow up and live in a castle overlooking a canal. I know the chances are slim that this will happen….but a girl can dream right? P.S. I also want a roller skating monkey.

4. I Am Weird

I know that this may come as a shock to some of you – but at times I can be viewed as slightly odd. But even with my foul mouth and multi-colored hair, I have never really felt weird or out of place before. Hamburg changed all of that. In Hamburg I felt that I looked really REALLY weird. I noticed that everyone around me was very preppy and pretty and smelled like perfume. I stood out like the town freak. I was the equivalent of the Bearded Lady! I think to everyone around me I looked like a sex crazed dominatrix with an odd accent. Now I guess that was just highly perceptive of them…..but that’s not the point. I have never felt like the odd man out before. It sort of pleased me. But I’m a “bottom” and I love to torture myself ๐Ÿ™‚

5. Eating Pussy is Cool


 Achtung Wanker!

Comments: 3

Well I made it! After around 15 hours of travel,ร‚ย  Godzilla strength jet lag and wi-fi confusion. I am in Germany! I plan to write a proper blog entry about this in the next few days…but for now all you get is a picture of me. I swear this is me in Germany! Doesn’t the grass look German? Sigh…