1. Putting on a Corset by Yourself is the Saddest Thing Ever
Before any burlesque performance I go into a odd state of intense preparation. This preparation usually includes the close inspection of nylons, the sewing of sparkly things and the painful process of applying fake eyelashes. Sigh….it really is a tough job. A few weeks ago I purchased a lovely new corset (Thank-You Ebay!) and it was my plan to wear this corset when I performed my first solo routine. Well..let me just express to you what it is like to put on a corset all by yourself. These devices of gorgeous torture are usually hooked together in the front and tied together in the back. The process of putting one on is long, detailed, sweaty, painful and a little humiliating. When this process is taken on by yourself and only yourself – its results are comedic in the saddest of ways. Picture me in my bedroom, boobs firmly shoved into my neck. I have no ability to really bend in any direction and somehow I have to find a way to reach behind me, grab onto the ribbons in the back and tie myself into this thing. Overall..the experience was frustrating and soul destroying. And sort of hot. But I mean this in a strictly sexual manner. ZING!
2. I Am A Highly Irritable Bitch
This morning I bitched to a friend that they IM’d too slow. I actually complained that I had to wait too long for them to respond. WTF! What is wrong with me? Oh Mr. Tuesday…lets hope you teach me some manners and offer kind words of advice. As well, Mr. Tuesday could you give me $50 and do my laundry? No? Great! Another day of the week is my enemy! Me and Sunday do not get along at all. That bitch owes me money! BOOO!
3. A muffin is a cake in disguise
Don’t fool yourself people. Even with its promises of bran and fiber, we all know it. A muffin is a a cake! A very tiny cake! But without the icing….or sprinkles. Actually – a muffin is the homely cousin of the much beloved cupcake. The cupcake was a cheerleader in high school or even the lead of the school play. The muffin was in band and the A/V club. Poor muffin….will you ever get a boyfriend? SIGH!
4. Teeth Touching is the New “IN” Fetish
See proof below.
Elbow Snuggling is now out. SNAP!
5. Lesbians + Sci-Fi = WIN!
So, I stared watching the television show TorchWood. Every morning I put on my make-up and start my day with a piece of BBC made Sci-Fi. Well, halfway though my eyeliner debacle this morning I noticed that two chicks were making out on my laptop screen. Holy fuck – it was hot! Did Battle Star Galactica have lesbians? Did Babylon 5? Well man oh man…they should have! The moral of this story is this….I think I want to have sex with aliens. BOW CHICKA BOW WOW!
Ok….lets face it, sometimes I really suck at podcasting. I admit it – I’m lazy! Sometimes the idea of setting up a microphone and editing sound seems as exciting as watching back to back episodes of CSI Miami. So it dawned on me that I could avoid the wires and cables of sound production and just write (as opposed to record) to my hearts content (but to my spell checkers dismay).
So as you read this you can just pretend to hear my voice. If you would be so kind…could you also pretend that I am coherent, excessively charming and understand the basic rules of grammar. Thanks darling 🙂
So without further delay……… its “WankerGirls First Ever Heart-On List!” (Cue the music and exciting dance routine!)
1. Madonnas new single “Celebration”
I love this song so much it makes me want to be a gay man.
2. Melody Mangler
A fellow Canadian burlesque dancer who is so freaking hot she literally gives me the vapors…..in all the right places (oo-er). I have looked at the video below countless times and I cross my fingers in the hopes of being half the dancer she is. All I need is her legs….and flexibility….drool.
3. Ketchup on Mac and Cheese
Some of you may question this culinary choice but I stand by this flavor explosion! Its yummy and its lovely and its makes pretty pictures! So instead of judging the unknowns…the bizarre….the weird. Go ahead and dive into some mac and cheese WITH KETCHUP. If you don’t like it we can still be friends….I just won’t respect you. Or have your babies.
4. Untitled Records – http://www.untitledrecords.com/
I have always had a soft spot for music blogs. I seem to stumble upon them so unexpectedly and when I find one I like, I cuddle up to it like a soft pillow. So a few days ago (during a moment of melancholy) I found a blog called “Untitled Records”. A simple website that offers short stories of the authors life and then (of course) links to music. It was love at first site when I clicked on this blog – mainly due to the picture of dancing robots and a post about The Royal Tenenbaums.
WankerGirl Is Here!
After much time spent apart I am back with a brand new show. In this episode you will hear about the general ins and outs of my life. This includes my my unending love for the new Star Trek film, my pornographic epiphany and my brand new vampire hobbies.
Star Trek Ending Music by Andre Allen Anjos
Contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org