Teddy Bear Badness

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I am in love with teddy bears. Some would say this love is just verging on weird….

Then just two days ago I saw yet another teddy bear at a local department store. teddy

As soon as I saw him my heart melted and I fell madly in love. This bear is MASSIVE. Larger than my butt! I was so overwhelmed by the sight of him that I actually fell to my knees in the middle of store. I cuddled into him, squeezed his head and declared that all I needed was his cuddles to keep me happy. My mother (who was shopping with me at the time) looked at me with confusion, giggled and then stated firmly, “Get off the floor Dana.”

But even right now I wonder  – should I have bought that magical bear? Is it normal for a 32 year old woman to buy herself a 700 pound teddy bear? Probably not. BUT! It wouldn’t be so weird if somebody bought him for me!

So I Declare Right Now. Whoever buys me that bear can totally have my virginity!  (Humour!)

Note: Meet the teddy bears/sheep that I do own in BLARM! Videocast #1

After exhaustively babbling in two blog posts about my adventures in Europe – I thought it only fitting that I throw together a video. This little snapshot tells the story of a girl (me!) trying to cure a broken heart and discovering the only way she can do it is to leave the continent. Although a highly expensive form of therapy – nothing heals a wound quite like the combination of escape, champagne, pastry and shopping. Enjoy 🙂

Music: Submarine Symphonika by The Submarines

 
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 My Blip Bloop Love

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After finding this on Etsy a few weeks ago I realized my obsession with robots has really gotten out of hand. But before I continue lets take a moment to stare at the awesomeness that is the “Say Anything Robot.” My true love Lloyd Dobbler in robot form. It brings a tear to the eye and a boner in my pants. Zing!

I look at robots the way most people look at puppies. They make me happy and they sort of break my heart all at the same time. When I look at a robot I wonder what it does when I’m not around. I wonder if he/she/it is programmed to kill humans or to make pies. Or maybe the robot has a broken heart and its programmed to hug! In summary, robots make me curious about robots.

Hello Robot

I am not sure where this fascination came from but its been a constant in my life for the past 10 years. I think it started to truly take form when I unexpectedly painted a robot one night. The “Hello Robot” currently hangs on my wall and he pleasantly collects dust for me. So obviously – he is programmed for house work.

Hello Robot

Venus Robot

Venus Robot

In one of my past podcasts (Show #66) I excitedly told the story of purchasing my first robot toy. “Venus Robot” sits on the ledge of my bedroom window and falls over whenever there is a gust of wind. What makes this robot a real treasure is that she is a girl and she has boobs. I remember purchasing this robot and thinking to myself that she was the most unique and fascinating toy ever. I thought she was one of a kind. This observation was soon demolished when I found 100’s of her in a NYC store  – on sale for $4.99. So obviously – she is programmed for sex, breast feeding and deception.

necklace

Mr. Robot Necklace

I wear “Mr. Robot Necklace” around my neck with pride. He is made out of a recycled vinyl record and I often wonder what song he would play . If only I could find a record player that plays robot shaped records! But just today I decided to pretend that he was made out of the AC-DC album Back in Black or possibly Hall and Oates Greatest Hits. I guess I will never really unearth the musical mystery of “Mr. Robot Necklace”, but that’s OK because at the end of the day he tickles my cleavage and he’s programmed to ROCK! (Insert guitar solo right here.)

Robot Clock

Mr. Robot Clock

Finally, there is “Mr. Robot Clock”. This robot is the most ridiculously loud of all my robots. His ticking took a while to get used to and I am still unsure how to set his alarm. But those tiny details only add to his romance and mystery . I have come to realize that his tick-tocking nature is the sound of his heart and his alarm will never go off because he wants to me have a good nights sleep. On Mr. Robot Clock! You are most definitely programmed to charm.

So before you go….listen to my Robot Love Music Mix!

 10 Things in 20 Days

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10 in 24

1. I Got a Tattoo

TattooOH YES! After two hours of hard work (Massive thanks to TroubleBound Tattoo) and some teeth gritting pain, I am now the proud owner of two lovely sparrows on my back. As always, after one gets a tattoo you feel like you can take over the world – and this time was no different. (Click below to actually hear me babble right after the experience.) I am not sure if this is odd or not but my tattoos make me feel beautiful and maybe because of that – I want more. Yes! Now I have a desire for something bigger and sexier! I want a tattoo of a pinup on my arm. More specifically, I would love to have my pin-up be a naughty librarian or a sexy computer geek. I have always held a strong belief that the librarian is the forgotten sex fiend and the female geek is the girl everyone has a crush on.

Listen!

2. I Bought Madonna’s Greatest Hits

I own every song Madonna has ever recorded (This includes many, MANY remixes) and for some strange reason I felt the need to re-buy them all again on her new Greatest Hits album. It makes no sense! I think I got swept up in the moment or somehow convinced myself they would all sound different on a greatest hits album. They didn’t. THEY DIDN’T AT ALL! But nonetheless,  for the past 5 days I have been listening to “Who’s That Girl” on loop.

Oh Madonna – how I love thee. I love thee more than hummus served with a salty rice cracker.

3. I Went to a Wedding.

Its true – once I screamed from a moving car “DON’T DO IT!” when I passed a wedding party outside a church. Probably not my most classy moment but when it comes down to it, even at my most jaded – I am still a fool for love. Friends Devin and Isobel got married a few days ago and unexpectedly I found myself swooning just a little bit at the ceremony. Telling someone that you love them and that want to be with them forever is big. Saying it in a room full of family and friends is MASSIVE. Like Godzilla sized massive. It took me a little off guard when I found myself feeling a little sentimental and a little “aww shucks”. Like most weddings it all eventually led to many glasses of wine, a car bar and a soul murdering hangover. But hungover or not – the wedding was lovely, it made me smile a million smiles and it was the perfect excuse to buy a new dress.

dress

4. I Bought a New Sticker for my Laptop

Placing a sticker on my laptop is always a momentous occasion. In many ways it feels like getting a tattoo – it feels permanent. It took me around 4 years to muster up the courage to put my first sticker on my MacBook Pro. That sticker is of the naughty and awesome Miss Bettie Page. I look at that sticker now and its like Betty is looking up at me, flirting with me, showing me her boobs! It’s just perfect. (Side-note: I always get bizarre stares from airport security when they see my laptop. No rubber glove yet though!) Anyway, while I was wasting some time before an appointment I wandered into a second hand bookstore. The store smelled like mildew and it made me feel comfy. I strolled up and down the isles and after convincing myself that I didn’t need to purchase a grade 4 science text book I noticed a sea of sparkly objects under the main counter. I saw stickers! Many stickers! Most importantly there was a Betty Boop sticker! Oh yes – Miss Betty has now joined Miss Bettie on my laptop and when I’m not looking I think they cuddle. Or 69.

5. I Read

The UnitMy freind Amber is awesome. She has her own blog and a few months ago she wrote a review for a book called “The Unit”. After reading her review, I jumped in a car, bought the book and gobbled it up.

This random action has now sparked the literary genius in me! Of course, when I say literary genius I mean “person who reads every so often”. But these details are unimportant. Next up is Catch-22 by Joseph Heller and then Burlesque! (and the New Bump-n-Grind) by Michelle Baldwin. Words are fun!

6. I Bought a Ticket to New York City!

I am going to back to New York City and this time around I plan to punch that city in the groin, make sweet love to it and then impress its parents over dinner! Me and NYC can never seem to commit but when we do find ourselves in each others presence we always make quite an impression. This trip will be a little different because me and my two sisters will be taking my Dad. I want to show him the Empire State Building, The United Nations and the Brooklyn Bridge. But most of all, I just want him to walk up and down the streets and experience NYC the way I do – Drunk. Tee hee….I am funny!

7. I Decided to Paint my Bedroom Like This!

My Room?

8. I Listened to 50 Cent

50 Cent is obsessed with butts. Also, he wants me face down and ass up. Get in line 50…get in line…

9. I Saw a Mangina

Dear men, take your penis and shove it between your legs. Voila! You have a MANGINA! Now go and call your mom and tell her all about it.

10. I Chose My Musical Wake-up Call

So I bought one of those clock radios that has an Ipod dock. So this means…I can literally wake up to any song I want to. The choices are endless! But I feel like the whole situation is too much fucking pressure! One day I picked David Bowie and then the next day was Bloc Party. Both Mr. Bowie and Mr. Party are awesome but it took me 20 minutes each night to actually choose them from the musical pack. So after much pointless deliberation I have chosen one band to be my morning wake-up call. One band to greet me in the morning with a stiff kick in the rock and roll balls. One band to tell the world that WankerGirl is awake and she wants to eat a bagel!

Oh yes….I wake up each morning to The Go-Go’s!!!!!!!