I have a confession.
There is a tiny part of my personality that likes cooking, entertaining and wearing an apron! Even more shocking is I think this tiny part is slowly becoming a medium sized part. That’s right…the idea of cooking up a feast and serving it to a house full of guests gives me a tiny boner. (Insert sound of shock and horror!)
This past Christmas Eve, I once again dove into the task of cooking dinner for my family. 10 people stuffed their gorgeous butts into my apartment and without any MAJOR disasters, I was able to:
- Fill their belly’s with macaroni and cheese (View Recipe)
- Please them with chocolate pudding filled cupcakes (View Recipe)
- Give them wine, Guinness and punch
- Accidentally burn their mouths off with some aggressive jalapeno poppers. Opps. (View Recipe)
Fortunately this spicy event did teach me two really important lessons: 1) Watching my family in mouth watering pain is fucking hysterical; 2) Jalapenos BURN going in and coming out
Every year when I cook this dinner I always end up feeling wonderfully accomplished. When its all over I take a quiet moment to sit, reflect on the dinner and take a shot of any alcohol that is in arms reach. Nothing says “job well done” like some vanilla vodka! This year, in addition to taking this quiet moment I also took a moment to give thanks to the woman who truly inspired this years feast. “Average Betty does for home n’ cooking what punk did for rock n’ roll” and Average Betty is who I turned to when looking for Christmas Eve recipes. So, lets raise our glasses (and our skirts) and send a CHEERS to the hottest cook in the kitchen!
Now that the Christmas hustle and bustle is starting to calm down, I am realizing that I want to spend more time in the kitchen. If you were to look under my Christmas tree at the moment, you would see my 2 most newly prized possessions: a new set of dishes and two casserole dishes. (Thanks mom!)
So if you want. And if you are a nice person. You can totally come over to my house and I will make you cookies. Below is a sneak peak 🙂
2009 Sucked Ass!
Well, I guess that’s not completely true but its certainly the first thing that popped in my head when I decided to write this year-end blog post. 2009 was one fucker of a year and I am actually really happy to see it go. But its not my style to whine too much and maybe I should try a more “glass half full” attitude. So, with some positive nostalgia lets looks back on the happy parts of 2009…woo hoo!
1. I Danced My First Burlesque Solo
When I first decided to take Burlesque dance lessons in the fall of 2008 I assumed it would be this silly little adventure that would turn into a lovely memory when the 5 week course ended. Holy Fuck was I wrong! My wonderful teacher “Miss Frankly Scarlet” unexpectedly asked me to join the Burley Q Babies Burlesque Troupe and I really haven’t looked back since. Every week I am surrounded by a room full of hot, amazing, witty, smart and hysterical women who do nothing but cheer me on and make me feel like a sex goddess! In September, I finally managed to muster the courage to do my first solo. Up to that point I had only danced in groups and I had never choreographed an entire number for myself. That night, as I waited backstage I think I sort of went into a bizarre trance because I didn’t notice the time ticking by. It was only when the host uttered the phrase “Next up is every geeks wet dream!” did I realize it was my turn to go on. So with a big deep breath and with legs made out of jelly, I walked on the stage to perform my first solo. And guess what? I was awesome!
2. I Went to Europe!
It had been around 10 years since I last stepped foot in Europe and I have to admit – its captured my heart. There is no need for me to regurgitate all the stories of my European adventures because all the bloggy details can be found right here:
3. I Became a Pinup!
Me and three other members of my burlesque troupe decided to get our pictures taken by the awesome Sandra Elford. We dressed up like slutty aerobics instructors, primped our hair and put our best cleavage forward. I have always hated getting my picture taken and over the years I have learned that I can’t smile like a normal person. Many times in the past I have forced an awkward smile and ended up looking like a retarded midget. So the lesson I learned in 2009 – forget about smiling and just bend over!!
4. I Signed Up For Roller Derby
That’s right folks! I have just recently joined the newly formed 709 Girls Roller Derby Team!! The crowd roars!!!!!
In homage to the wondrous Bettie Paige – I have decided to call myself Bettie Pain!!! So over the next few months I will be learning how to skate and more importantly – how to fall without breaking any bones or puncturing any internal organs. Just recently I heard a story about a girl getting one of her roller skate wheels shoved up her vagina. This story sort of terrifies me but as long as I can manage to NOT have sexual intercourse with any of my equipment – I am sure it will be kick ass!
5. I Went to the Top of the Empire State Building
I had never been on top of the Empire State Building before. In November 2009Â – I was up there twice. Its rare to have a moment where you stop in your tracks and have your mouth drop open in awe. One of the most spectacular things I have ever seen is the sight of New York City at night from 86 stories. The ride up the elevator made my ears pop and my knees go all wobbly. It felt like I was traveling at the speed of light! When I finally reached the observation deck I was simply stunned by the view. I could see every twinkling light that New York City had to offer. For around 30 minutes, I walked around like an excited buffoon, I took some blurry pictures and I smiled as big as my face would allow 🙂
If I am to be honest, all of those amazing moments happened in the midst of me having a broken heart. Oh I know most of you are quite accustomed to me bitching, moaning and complaining about men – but this was different. Simply put, in 2009 – WankerGirl was blue. Every few months I would convince myself that I was fine, dust myself off and plow into life with the grace of a penguin. But I usually ended up flat on my face yet again – making piles of mistakes, saying things I regretted and listening to A LOT of sad music. (Side-note: Ingrid Michelson would make me blubber on a daily basis)
I probably never should have ventured into a relationship that was destined to fail…but fuck it! If you are going to make a fool out of yourself it better be over romance, hot sex and love. Being in love rocks harder than Axl Rose and although my happy ending is still a little out of reach – I don’t have many worries. I’m a really lucky girl and for a few brief moments I had an awesome guy looking at me like I was something else. It didn’t work out and heaven knows I shed a lot of tears…..but god dammit it was so fucking worth it! So after a full year, I think my blue heart has finally turned pick and I am pretty sure I am all ready to kick 2010 in the BALLS!!
So have a look at the video below, turn the volume up to 11 and lets say goodbye to the single digits.
Music: Gimmie Sympathy by Metric
So its Christmas time….. Yipppeee! It’s that time of year where you gain 5-10 pounds, drunkenly say things you regret and naively convince yourself that when the new year comes you will get that promotion! Well its time to stop deluding yourself people!!!!
Wow…that was an unnecessary tangent.
Back on track….Christmas is that time of year where angels get wings, and baby Jesus laughs and snowmen teach us how to love (it involves a carrot). But most importantly its that time of year when people buy you stuff.
To commemorate Christmas this year I thought I would put together a shopping list for all the naughty geeks out there. Of course, if at any point you are overwhelmed by a tremendous sense of giving and feel the need to share the joy…I would not be adverse to receiving one of these gifts….just saying.
So without further delay…..
What to Get for the Geek/Perv this Christmas Season
(aka. What to Buy WankerGirl)
1. Form 2
For months now I have been seeing articles/banner ads concerning this eye catching sex toy. The Form 2 isn’t shaped like your normal vibrator and it was this fact that made me quite curious. After watching a few “demonstration videos” I can tell it vibrates like a motherfucker and it has the added feature of being water-proof. Shower time can be play time! But still….its peculiar shape makes it seem so mysterious! Like the Egyptian Pyramids! At the price of $135 US, I don’t see myself buying it anytime soon and I don’t anticipate my mom giving it to me as a stocking stuffer either. Sigh. Nonetheless, the Form 2 is on my Christmas list and I do hope that perv I call Santa is listening. (Learn more)
2. Space Invaders Underwear
When I was a little girl I would visit my aunts house every few weeks and completely take over her Atari system. The only games that kept my attention were Keystone Cops and the classic Space Invaders. I would sit in front of her tiny tv screen for hours – destroying those motherfucking aliens! Pew! Pew! DIE DIE DIE! Wow. I have a lot of alien anger. Who knew?
Anyway…the point of this story is….I think I need Space Invaders underwear. (Learn More)
3. Best Women’s Erotica 2010
Violet Blue has been an idol of mine for quite sometime. She is the ultimate in sex bloggers and she has one of the few websites I visit on a regular basis. Along with being an amazing blogger, Violet Blue edits a yearly collection of erotica stories. HOT! I should admit to being a novice at reading erotica and I have no idea if I will prefer it to watching. But if Miss Violet has been involved with its creation – I just might have to give it more than a moments glace.Â (Learn More)
4. Princess Leia Robot
My obsession with robots is well documented. This obsession has now been perfected. Every so often two separate, wonderful things get merged together to create a perfect storm of awesome. Like peanut butter and jelly! Like Hall and Oates!
The adorable boltsandbots online store over at Etsy is now selling a Princess Leia Robot and it causes my inner geek brain to scream out in joy! It’s probably the least pervy gift on this list…but who cares! Pincess Leia + Robot = Geek Boner! (Learn More)
5. Wanker Plate
The naughty online store Co Co de Mur is now selling a plate that has the work “wanker” written across it in pretty letters. I like to think that I inspired its creation and eventually I will be the muse for an entire collection of “Wanker Dinnerware”. Imagine brides all over the world asking for “Wanker Dinnerware” as a wedding gift! My day dreams are fun!Â (Learn More)
6. Teeny Weeny USB Drive
You can now purchase a 1GB USB drive in the shape of a penis. Need I saw more ? (Learn More)
So Merry Christmas everyone! And don’t forget…you are lovely 🙂
I have always been a victim of my own imagination.
As a kid I lived inside my head. This habit was only perpetuated by my constant viewing of movies. In particular, romantic comedies and melodramatic foreign films. It was quite common of me to spend the weekend by myself in front of the TV day dreaming about my life and how I wanted it to be more like the movie I was watching. These day dreams would eventually turn into bizarre and ridiculous scenarios that always ended with me finding the love of my life. At one point I remember vividly imagining myself winning an Oscar. In the scene, Robert De Niro (I of course called him Bobby) would present me the award for best Supporting Actress. The situation was even more exciting because as we left the stage Robert would confess his undying love for me. Oh my!
I think this constant movie watching led to me having stereotypical visions of what romance and relationships were supposed to be like. Of course I was clueless. I was an awkward, purple haired, chubby girl in high school and my experience with boys was limited. (Note: When I say limited I mean nonexistent). I was always the quintessential side-kick to the prettier girl. Boys did not notice me. Now don’t get me wrong – I never had a problem with this role because I adored my friendships and I really loved being the confidant.
Of course as I got older, I eventually did have boyfriends (Yippee for finally having sex!) and quickly found out that romance/relationships are much more complicated than any movie ever portrayed. (You taught me nothing Meg Ryan!) But even with this knowledge, one lingering romantic fantasy still floats around in my brain like a half inflated balloon. I am obsessed with the idea of receiving flowers.
I guess the reason why this romantic idea still persists is because no one has ever given me flowers. Insert sympathetic “Awwwww” noise right here.
Now of course there have been times when boys have promised flowers but each time they failed to deliver and each time my heart would totally break. I realize I should be much tougher than this and generally I am hard as balls. But when it comes to flowers I go all soft on the inside and turn into a sappy teenage girl.
So a few years back while I was in a Costo (the place where romance and credit limits die) a bouquet of 24 white roses caught my eye. I lingered and smelled and fondled those roses like they were the hot IT guy. I wanted those roses so bad! But there was this voice inside my head that kept telling me no reasonable woman would buy herself roses for no reason. Thankfully, I rarely listen to myself.
Below is a video of me and my roses on that fateful day.
That simple act became a habit and to this day I buy flowers regularly. Of course each time I do there is always one person asking me who bought the flowers or for what occasion I bought them for. I always respond defiantly, “I bought them for myself!”
Unknowingly, this all led to an even more permanent action. During my last trip to New York (with my wonderful friend Amber) I got two roses tattooed to each of my shoulders. (Thank you Saved Tattoos!) This was the first time I ever got a tattoo on the front of my body, so initially I was quite nervous . But now I find myself constantly touching them and staring at them in the mirror and as vain as it seems – they make me feel so pretty!
So I guess its true….I am hopeless romantic … and I do want to be given flowers…but until that day, I am doing fine keeping my own vase full. (Someone please appreciate that naughty metaphor!)