Well holy jeeez – it feels like it’s been forever since I’ve written anything. I know…I know…I’m a slacker. But be kind to me….I have been extremely busy eating, sleeping and making bad decisions. Tis the season!

Anyway – like everyone else on the Internet, its time to do the standard “Year in Review” blog post. The one where we look back and think about all the wonderful lessons we have learned. That’s right people….let the emotional music swell. Let the dramatic video montage begin!

Actually….the biggest lesson I learned in 2010 is that I need to take more video. So lets do this old school. I am gonna use my words!

2010 was actually one hell of a year. In my brain it seems to be split up into a few chunks. The beginning of the year was filled with upheaval and travel. Due to me having to unexpectedly move into a new apartment and me travelling to Europe. Yup , it is true. At the beginning of the year I was quite in love with a British lad. So I hopped over that pesky Atlantic for a visit.  As some of you know – I have/had a knack for getting myself into long distance relationships – knowing full well they drive you crazy and eventually run their course in a cloud of sexual frustration.

Walking away from that relationship made me sad…but it also made me feel like I had sort of grown up. Like somehow I had turned a page on something. That boy was so kind to me and he was EXACTLY what I needed. But I guess with a new found resolve I closed a chapter – dusted myself off and aimed forward.

So what is forward? Well I’m not sure but it included a lot of double Caesars. My new found home at the Duke of Duckworth gave me many smiles. I’m pretty sure I traumatized some bartenders and never won a single game of pool. But having a pub to call my own really is lovely.

I also started dating. Somewhat randomly. What did I learn from this? Geesh. Well I’ve learned that boys are flaky as fuck. As well, they love boobs. I know these lessons don’t seem tremendously insightful – but if you remember those two things, everything else seems falls into place.

But lets be serious folks. I could not talk about a single moment from the past year without mentioning the most important thing I did all year.

That’s right – in 2010 (Jan) I started my rocky career in roller derby with the 709 Derby Girls. The first day I put on my roller skates, I was so scared. Not only because I thought I was going to fall on my ass (Which I did in a spectacular fashion). But because I was going to do it in a room full of strangers. I wasn’t an athletic person. I wasn’t a competitive person. I rarely had a hobby that didn’t start with an appetizer.

Now flash forward to New Years Eve 2010 and I am in a room surrounded by piles of derby girls, their significant others, refs and just people I have met through the league. Whats so amazing about all of this is that I had no idea who these people were a year ago. Now I sort of can’t imagine them not being around.

On a professional level – I see these girls work their asses off on a weekly basis. Not only on the track but also just trying to make something out of nothing. Most people don’t realise the amount of work it takes to get a sports league up and running. They give me support when a guy stands me up, they offer me advice when I’m on the verge of making a stupid decision and they are always there to pinch my ass, tell me to fuck off or just make me feel awesome and pretty.

Every laugh, every bad joke, every drop of sweat, every oddly shaped bruise, every motorboat, every embarrassing Facebook photo and every burp that tasted like beer was derby influenced.

So…what does this all mean for 2011? I really have no fucking idea. My goals are sort of small at the moment. Lose a few pounds, try to have a stronger hip check and maybe just maybe….allow a guy to stick around longer than a month or two.

But when I woke up on January 1st 2011 I had two thoughts.

1. I’m happy
2. I really have to clean these sheets. Zing!

So hugs and kisses and even more derby love….

I started writing this blog post smack-dab in the middle of some serious PMS. Which I guess explains the over indulgent self analysis. So I guess I could scrap it…but what the fuck! Lets indulge for just a little bit.

When you find yourself at the age of 33 (which I am) you start trying to make sense of things. You start wondering how the hell you got to where you are in your life. You have 33 years of solid history behind you and your mind can wander back a bit. Reminisce I suppose.

Lately I have been feeling a little old. I guess there are a number of reasons for this – living on my own for the first time, hanging out with younger people and seeing friends settling down with their houses and kids.

When I look at these friends settling down, I notice this massive difference between me and them. Everything they have – I don’t. I quite literally own nothing. The idea of owning a house and a car actually sort of stresses me out. I’m not sure if I ended up this way becasue I hate responsibility or if I just prefer to spend my money in other foolish ways. But no matter what – I am becoming very aware that for a 33 year old, I am simply not doing the things I should be doing. More importantly, no matter how much I try to force myself – I can’t seem to grow up.

Now because of this, there are times I can be quite hard on myself. I wonder why I lead the life I lead. I wonder why I can’t just settle myself down and do what’s expected of me.

I constantly find myself in “adult” conversations about real estate, renovtions and, RRSP’s. I can engage for a while but after around 5 minutes I start twirling my hair and day dreaming. What about? Who the fuck knows. More than likely I am thinking about the boy I flirted with on Facebook or pretzels.

But after reading this blog post just the other day I realised something. This pressue I put on myself to “settle down” is DUMB! I seem to always forget where I was a few years ago and how far I have come along.

Trust me people – if you met me 5 years ago you simply wouldnt think I was the same person. I used to own the house and car. I was settled down into a steady relationship. I was living my life in a manner that was “right”. Or whatever the fuck “right” means. Now dont get me wrong – I was a happy girl. Life had some really lovely moments. But was I having any fun? Was I doing the things I wanted to be doing? I don’t think I was.

When my 10 year relationship ended I was pretty convinced that I was going to shrivel up and die. Or just collect a lot of cats. I think I had it in my mind that somehow my relationship was all of me and without it – I sort of stopped existing. Boy was I ever wrong.

So how did I get from there to here. Well to be honest. I did some horribly ridiculous things. Things I should never ever offer up as advice. Simply put – I spent money I didnt have, I threw myself into situations that broke my heart, I drank more, I smoked more, I gave up all financial responsibilities and I traveled on a moments notice. I worried about the consequences later.

Yes thats right. To become happy I sort of became a fuck up 🙂

So where did it all get me? Well here…not the richest girl but still successful. God knows I am not the smartest. And it is true that I tend to make some utterly stupid decisions when it comes to men.

But you know what? Life is really good here in Wankerville and I really have come a long way. I’m not as shy as I used to be. I am not scared about messing up and I laugh so fucking much. It’s true – I do stumble around just a little bit and I have absoloutly no idea what the future holds. Hell, maybe one of these days I will want all the things a “normal” 33 year old girl should want.

But for now I just cant do it. I just can’t quite grow up. But that’s alright..I’m only 33. I’m just a baby.


What I Did

I Bought A PC

Over the summer of 2010 I dealt with the harsh realities of technology. More specifically – dead technology. Within a 30 day span I saw the death of my precious MacBook Pro AND my first ever MacBook. So in an act of desperation, I called up a good freind for moral support and I did something horrific. SHOCKING. I bought a PC. Those are words I thought I would never ever say. I’m officially a PC. A cheap PC that runs on Windows 7. I have never felt more like a whore.

I Saw Someone Else Be Me

Halloween parties are fun. People dress up, drink and eat too much candy. This year I innocently showed up to a party (as BatGirl!) and was amazed at what I saw. My awesome friend Erica actually dressed up as me! ME! She had the hair, shoes, dress and cleavage. She had everything. It took me a few seconds to realize what was happening – but I think the picture below sort of captures it all. My friends are awesome.

I Collected Tea Cups

I have this blurry memory of being 5 years old, sitting in my living room, collecting stamps. It feels so real and yet I know that I have never collected stamps. And for the longest time I never collected anything. But just recently I have discovered that I think I do collect something. I collect tea cups. Now its not a large collection. I have 3. Some might say that’s not a collection at all. But those people smell like donkey balls. And don’t get me started on their Daddy issues.

Hmmm…I am losing the point here.

The point is….I have three tea cups. They make me feel all lady like. So come over for tea! But bring cookies. And croissants. And tiny sandwiches with the crust cut off. A pork roast wouldn’t go astray either.

What I Want

Don Draper

To Write A Book

People have always told me that I should write a book. Of course this idea seems great but with perspective it also seems to be something that is completely and utterly unattainable. I guess what keeps me from diving into the task is that for me – writing is highly frustrating. The words don’t come easy and my spelling is somewhat shocking. Car wreck shocking. And then of course there is this fact that I really have no idea what I should write about. Well that’s a bit of a lie. I guess I should write about me. I am an expert on the topic. But doesn’t that just seem egotistical? Sigh. No wonder writers are tortured!

But yes. I want to write a book. It doesn’t have to be good. It just has to be over 150 pages long and contain the words “spatula” and “mangina”. Here I come Pulitzer!


I think its time to brand myself with my alter ego

Rubber Boots

The winter is coming and I don’t have a car . This means I will be spending many mornings and nights at a wet and cold bus stop. My life is glamorous. Anyway – after many years of wet feet I have decided to indulge. Indulge in rubber! (Kinky!) I want rubber boots. Expensive rubber boots. These boots will keep my feet warm and dry. They will go pleasantly with my chic winter fashions. But more importantly my rubber boots will caress me every morning and whisper “I Love You” just as I wake up. Yes rubber boot…I will marry you!

Summer 2010 was an interesting one.  Every single weekend was filled with something ridiculous and embarrassing. I drank on nights I shouldn’t have, I wore clothes that my mother would hate and I ate a lot of toast for breakfast (random!). I had boys ask me out, completely turn me down, never return my phone calls and text me for one night stands. I wore fishnets every second day, I learned how to transition from forwards to backwards on my roller skates and I rarely managed to sleep through an entire night without having a 3am pee. I swore a lot, wept over the loss of 2 computers, puked in a garden, laughed too much, stressed unnecessarily, ate my weight in hash browns, wore a lot of red lipstick, gave up caffeine, picked up caffeine again, dreamed of relaxing on sandy beaches and ended the summer in a hurricane.

I also ….

Got back on the burlesque stage and shimmied my glitter tits

Got lots of bruises

Spent my weekends in the park

Won an inflatable pink alien!

Played in a  REAL derby match

And attempted to bring the rain bonnet back in fashion

So lets raise our Double Caesars in the air and say goodbye to the summer with one solid gulp!